Clarity,  Support


I can’t explain the feeling of getting messages from people telling you that they hate so so much they want kill themselves. Or getting slander saying you have ruined their marriage by screwing their husband when you KNOW its not possible. Being sent posts with someone calling you fat, crazy and ugly.
From around September 2017 to August 2018 I had been constantly attacked on social media. Nearly every day. I literally had to cut friends off so I would stop hearing about it.
There were girls writing so much hate about me, I flipped it. I raged so fucking hard I smashed a double door in and screamed like a psychopath. The rage in me that people could hate me so much they wanted to see my in pain and I could not fathom such hate.
I cant explain the feeling of having my head smashed into the bus window after school when I was in primary school. Or at 6 years of age running through the school grounds so fast because I was TERRIFIED of what would happen if the school bully caught me.
The feeling of being chased at 14 because I’m a nigga. Or the teacher who smashed a book over my head and locked me in the classroom. Being k.o’d in the middle of a paddock when my then boyfriend did catch up to me angry because I didn’t want to drive the stolen car. Or the police body slamming me into concrete. Being strangled to the point of passing out. Being blindsided in the back of the head.
photo of pair of blue sneakers
Holy fuck you guys. That’s not even a quarter of it and nor is it the admission of the assault and wrongdoing that I then retaliated towards the world.
In the most recent times I had 4 weeks of really deep hatred messages come through my blog. Stuff that made me feel super unsafe. I wanted someone to brainstorm the risks with me. Do I need to move, there is seriously a psychopath living close by telling me to die.
I still feel unsafe with Addison in her own room you guys.
People dismissed how I felt and told me ‘you’re better than that, rise above. I heard, ‘you’re feelings are stupid and petty’
People told me I’d have to get used to it if get out of the game. I heard “you’re too weak, you will never make it’
People told me to make sure I send THEM, the Arseholes, the suicide numbers to cover my arse. I heard ‘Who cares how you feel it must be your fault you better make sure you don’t get in trouble’
I felt physically sick. And unsafe.
No one seemed to understand the despair I felt. It was worse than any funeral, any miscarriage, any anxiety. It was deep . How could my existence make someone want to die? I live to want other people to heal and feel happy?
dark darkness loneliness mystery
I was NOT OK. I cried for about 3 days constantly.
I cried because I felt so ALONE. So fucking alone. After all the healing, all the friends I STILL felt misunderstood, unheard to, invalidated and and unseen.
No one could empathise or be with me in it. Everyone tried to fix ME, like I was some sort of broken thing for being upset.
I didn’t get angry, because anger isn’t my go to emotion anymore. I only had sadness. And a horrible heaviness around my heart. 
It changed when someone said this to me
“Are you getting annoyed at me?’
“What is that about?”
‘I don’t want to be fixed, I am not broken!”
“What DO you want right now?’
“I want to feel understood. I want someone to assess the risk factor with me. I want to feel safe. And I want to speak with someone who has been through this”

My point is this.

It’s not the depression, the bullying, the affairs, the debt, the abuse that makes us fall apart.
It’s feeling ALONE.
Humans don’t like feeling alone.
I don’t fucking like feeling alone. Is this making sense with you guys? Honestly, is it?
If next time someone is messaging you saying something is challenging them, can I encourage you to say  one of these 2 lines to them:
“How can I best support you right now?”
“What is it you need right now?”
And you guys, this is what coaching is all about. Teaching you the questions to ask yourself. To ask your friends to slowly make a positive difference in the world.
I can’t stop bullies. I cant rewind the past. Fuck, there were times I was a bully too.
What I can do, is empower people whilst they heal.
Jump on my home page for options and don’t be selfish, if this isnt for you, surely its for someone you know.
– April B
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