Foreword: For the purpose of this article I will define limbo as being a period of more than 2 weeks in a relationship where you live together, 3 weeks where you do not, and 4 weeks for a long distance relationship.
Limbo. Relationship limbo. When you are waiting on the other party to decide if there is a relationship or not. Where you are trying to be patient during a time when you are the most impatient you have ever been. Nothing feels stable in limbo, because, nothing actually is.
In limbo you may have many mistrusts arise. You may have violence, abuse and major disrespect. Or you may simply have hot and cold emotions. Alot of tears, alot of desperation, promises and desire. Break downs, late night messages and the words ‘we are done’ said over and over.
The sex may improve or it may die off. Our bodies are dying to be savaged and screaming to be held and carressed in love. Our energy is low and our thoughts are of failure and unworthiness. Every night spent together, you wonder, ‘is this the last time?’. One minute you are thinking you could never be with another and the next you are fantasising about the person who gave you a sideways glance at the supermarket the other day.
Either way, in relationship limbo we are sitting in holding cell that feels like a prison and screaming for someone or something to let us out. Tell us what to do, where to aim and how to fix this. We make promises to do better and we take on all the blame. I love you. I cant ever love another. Give us what we want. And give it to us now.
The rollercoaster that comes with limbo is excruciating. The sick feelings, the highs, the lows. The made up thoughts. The derailing. The waiting in line. One minute everything seems fine, just like normal. The next, your sobbing in your bed feeling like your chest is about to explode. Your crying weak at the bottom of the shower while your eyes feel like razor blades. Your yelling at the kids. Your wide awake at 3am. Your dry retching at 6am in the morning.
Yes. That feeling. In hindsight, it is a jail cell we put ourselves in because we don’t believe that life can be better without them. We believe we love them and it is meant to be. This is just a pot hole. We believe it is worth waiting for, fighting for. We do not have the self worth, self love or respect we need to pull ourselves up. Our cup is empty.
I kept myself in relationship limbo for around 18 months. The agony. The pain. The heartache.
Lets cover a few of the action steps that are needed to pull yourself up and out. Onwards. Upward.
- You need to know that this feeling will pass. You will get through this. And the sun will rise again. Hope and faith are the most important thing right now. The bridge, it is not an option. Ask for what you need, from God, the air, the ground, another person, I don’t care. But ask for what you need.
- Time does not heal you. YOU do. Invest in books to feed your mind. How fast and happier you get will be dependent on the way you use your time and energy.
- Get your support team together. Support teams consist of a mind, body and soul specialists.
- Start opening up to friends. The friends who care act as good sounding boards. The ones who will listen to you cry, and who will bring you a little black dress and red lipstick. The friends who will put your rubbish out and take your kid to school. The friends who will rant with you when you need it but also sleep on the empty pillow beside you. Be vulnerable.
- If you are not in a committed relationship, do not live together and do not have sex. Someone who is worth it will commit to you and have no trouble working out what he wants. Ladies, keep your legs closed and men, keep it in your pants.
- There is no such thing as “I need time”, “Im confused”. Translate those into, ‘Just do you!” A person in love does not need more than a couple of weeks to figure themselves out. Cut the contact for a couple of weeks. Do not be available for someone who is not available. Even if you have kids, 2 weeks is nothing compared to living in limbo for endless weeks.
- Get the custody sorted from the outset and have it made legal whilst you are both still amicable. If things change, it is very difficult to know what is your heart and what is your pain. And children do not deserve this confusion.
- Stop doing the people and the things you do not love so that you can make way for the things you do like and love. Purge. Remove from your life all of the things you detest and do only out of obligation. Start saying NO.
- Journal your thoughts. Notice what recurring thoughts you have and ask yourself what reward you get from these thoughts. Pay attention to your inner mean voice so you can start to retrain those thoughts with your coach.
- Sing love songs to yourself. Do the mirror work. Write down the things you love about yourself. Its time you started to like yourself so you can fall in love with yourself.
Definition of limbo: Stuck in limbo is to be unable to move from one position to another. Limbo is originally a theological term (Catholic) that was the holding place between heaven and hell where the soul resided until judgment. … The phrase “stuck in the limbo“means you or someone else is not progressing for some reason or another.