Mum, I know you want it to stop. Just for a day. Just for one f*****g day I hear you tell your girlfriends. I know.
I don’t do this because I’m a feral little shit. I don’t do this because I hate you. I don’t.
I do this because I am still learning. I don’t always know what to do. I do this because you let me.
I know you cry. When you have yelled or treated me horribly. I know you get riddled with a heaviness that consumes your chest. I know sometimes you think you can’t be a mum anymore. That you feel you are failing.
I feel it. When you want me to go away. When you are so tense that I feel so alone. And afraid. Scared. I feel scared that I am going to be sent away because I know I was horrible today.
I know I am being selfish. Self absorbed.
I know you didn’t get a rule book. I am sorry. I am always sorry. Even if I refuse to say it. I promise I want to do better.
Mum, all I want is to feel loved. To be seen. To be heard. To be understood. To feel that who I am is good enough. That I have an opinion that’s worthy of being listened to. That I am part of this family too, even though I am little.
I’m still young. I’m learning. Guide me mum. 1 moment at a time. Find me the professionals to teach me what you do not know. The professional to teach yourself what you need so you can be happy and confident. So you can show me what the boundaries are and I know not to mess with them.
Mummy. I heard that @yourparentingcoach can support you to feeling like a more confident mum. To feeling seen heard and understood yourself, so that you can then show me what those things look like.
I think you should message her. She seems nice.
Oh and mum, I heard she wont judge us. I heard that she encourages practise, not perfection. Worth a try isn’t it?
PS: I love you Mum.